Appologies to anyone who reads this and has already read it on the forum, but I felt like I needed to put it here too and I don't really want to type it out again, it was hard to do it the first time, it's such an emotional thing.
Aagh, wasn't going to post this but I have to get it out of my head because it keeps replaying over and over and over. We went camping for the weekend in Warburton in the Dandenongs and it was so beautiful, our tent was by the river and bush, I love it. Anyway Sunday afternoon it was really hot so we were swimming and Z was standing on a big rock and jumping into my arms then I'd put her back on the rock and she'd do it again over and over. The river wasn't deep, on the side I was standing it was about knee deep, the other side of the rocks was mid calf deep but flowing very fast. So Z and I were doing the rock thing for a really long time, then when I put her on the rock instead of turning around and jumping into my arms again she waved at me and said "Bye Mama!" and slid off the rock to the other side, and I said "No Z, come play with Mama" and started to go around the rock to get her back. Before I got there she was jumping and splashing - the water was about up to her bottom - and she lost her footing and fell onto her back and the current took her away. She was just under the surface of the water, her eyes were so terrified I don't think I'll ever forget her eyes, they were perfectly round instead of almond shaped and she couldn't breathe. I was chasing after her but the water was really fast and a few times when I went to grab her she was just out of my reach so I'd fall and be even further away from her. Finally we got to a bit in the river where there was more rocks and it was a bit deeper, and the water had to go through a narrow gap and the current turned her over so she was floating face down and got caught in a rock which gave me a few seconds to get closer to her and I grabbed her foot and pulled her out. She threw up some water and was quiet for a few seconds, then she started to cry, best sound ever! It felt like a really long time but I think she was under the water for about a minute. We just stood there and cried for a bit and then she wanted me to feed her so we sat on a rock and fed and then she said "I was under the water." and I said "Yes you were" and she said "I'm sorry Mama, I won't do it again" and wanted to play more. SO freaking scary! It was a great day but it could so easily switch into being the worst day ever. I'm SO lucky.
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Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.” |
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